For Your Review: Inappropriate PASS Sessions

on August 30, 2010

So I was chatting with @SQLChicken the other night, and I made this comment…

i was thinking it might be fun to have a 5 minute “Inappropriate #SQLPASS Sessions” contest one night during the summit…

Next thing I  knew, @sqlsoldier threw a hash tag on it, and off it went.

It turns out people are thinking a lot of inappropriate thoughts about SQL Server. After pulling the first 24 hours worth of #InappropriatePASSSessions tweets into a table, cleaning  out retweets, replies, and other fodder, we have a solid 535 initial suggestions for perfectly inappropriate (and sometimes far worse), sessions for the SQL PASS Summit 2010.

So Guess What? I Wasn’t Really Kidding About the Contest

Will there be slide decks? Will YOU be asked to be on the Inappropriate Program Committee?

It just might happen. Maybe. We’ll see. Sign yourself up for the  Summit and let me know in the comments if you’re up for it. If it does happen, there will be fabulous, inappropriate prizes!

For now, the Proposed Inappropriateness Follows, Grouped by Tweep

Vote for your favorites in the comments.

Fine print: The #InappropriateSQLPass hash tag was removed for readability. @SQLChicken also archived these on twapperkeeper. Credits to @peschkaj and Brad Schulz’s blog posts on string concatenation (linked on names) for helping me remember how to query this stuff out into nice HTML. Those are worth reading, y’all.


  • Buck Woody and Porn: Right Name, Wrong Guy
  • The role of dynamic SQL that calls dynamic SQL that calls dynamic SQL in developer job security


  • Accepting Shrinking as a fact of DBA life
  • Back Up That Tail (of the Log)
  • Birds of a Feather: Enjoying life and running a DR exercise at the same time
  • Checklist My Ass
  • Closer to NoSQL: Avoid Referential Integrity
  • Cost-Saving Strategies using RAID 5
  • DBA Clint Eastwood: Trigger Happy
  • DBA Foster Care: Orphan DTC Transactions
  • DBA Payback using Policy Based Management against Development Servers
  • DBA Peers Pranks Using HOSTS Files
  • DBA Ransom Notes: Locking Down your SQL Server
  • Demystifying @PaulRandal: Writing your own DBCC CHECKDB
  • Emulating Normalization by Implementing Views and LEFT JOINs
  • Enabling DB Backup Compression by Scripting Objects + Data: WinZip is your Friend
  • Forcing in-memory tables using non-covered queries
  • Forget XML, Let’s talk about Cocktails (by @AdamMachanic)
  • Fun with Data: Trying App User Passwords in Gmail
  • Getting SQL to Work for You: Overriding PCI compliance
  • Guaranteeing Query Execution using the DAC
  • Homemade Resource Governor using SQLCLR on 32 bit instances
  • How to Ditch your Employer after getting them to pay for your MCM
  • How to Rig Vendor Swag Giveaways at SQL Saturdays
  • I’m Just a DBA: That Was Not Insider Trading
  • Implement your own @BrentO-Fail-Whale for your SQL Server!
  • Improve Performance by rewriting Cursors in Powershell
  • Improving Query Performance by using DBCC PAGE
  • Increase Your Productivity by Integrating SSMS and Tweetdeck
  • Jedi Mind Tricks: Getting your CIO to be your sugardaddy
  • Making the jump: Going from SSMS to PHPMyAdmin
  • Moving Your Transaction Logs to Google Wave
  • Normalize My Ass
  • Notorious D-B-A: Making your alerts public with Tweet-SQL
  • Productivity Best Practices: Stay off Twitter
  • Pushing SQL to the max with star joins
  • Skip the Line: How to avoid Tier 1 Engineers when calling MS Support
  • Social: Share your Salary with the rest of Us
  • Vendor Sponsored Inebriation 101
  • Your worst enemy: The Passive-Aggressive DBA


  • Block Escalation – Making the Other Guy Wait
  • DROP DATABASE — UNDO and Other Undocumented T-SQL Commands
  • Mapping Enterprise Connectivity By Unplugging Cables and Equipment
  • Removing Foreign Keys and Other Obstacles to Loading Data


  • “Swivel on it” – pivot your devs
  • 10,000 columns? No problem
  • Accessing Azure through your AOL dial-up account
  • App design – inline SQL FTW
  • autoshrink & autoclose – keep those databases under control
  • Business Intelligence – genetic or lifestyle choice?
  • check out my sporran
  • DENIED! – Handling change control requests
  • DR is for dummies
  • I can’t merge result sets, that’s a Union job
  • Is that a heap in your database or are you just pleased to see me?
  • Job security through non-documentation
  • Management 101 – make your team develop to arbitrary times & don’t worry about the code quality
  • Managing SQL Server from your ipad
  • nHibernate…it’s for YOU
  • Saving your disk – running SQL on compressed drives
  • SEO in your databases
  • Sharepoint for the DBA ….oh wait that ones real
  • SQL Server 6.5 – a primer
  • The IT Crowd as a motivational meeting tool (yes, I have done this)
  • Turning off notifications so you don’t hear about problems
  • Use smaller fonts to make your computer faster
  • Using CTRL-Z to rollback your truncate table statements
  • Who needs scalability?
  • Why being a DBA can seriously suck hairies
  • Why Paul Randal doesn’t know DBCC
  • Why you dev team should have the production SA password
  • Why you should add NOLOCK to all of your queries
  • Why you should be using DB2
  • Why your company doesn’t need a DBA
  • WTF interviews
  • You can never have enough indexes


  • Great futures in SQL Server Notification Services.
  • New trends in BI – Data mining your bosses “private” e-mail and expense account for fun and profit.


  • Data Center Disaster Management in Open Carry Law States
  • Manage Data Contention Issues with WAITFOR and RAND()


  • Effective Locking & Blocking with Single User Mode
  • Use O/R mappers to speed up your mission critical 24×7 VLDBs
  • Use SQL Injection to administer your SQL Server
  • Use the XML data type to avoid multiple tables in your database
  • Using DBCC PAGE to query your data in text mode
  • Using StringBuilder for building your dynamic sql statements
  • Working with Service Broker with the integrated tool in SSMS


  • Anonymous is the new Secure
  • Forget SQL – How to use SharePoint Lists as a data store for your enterprise
  • SSRS as the replacement for SSIS


  • A sneak peak at the upcoming SQL Server MMORPG: auto-shrink gets buffed, query optimizer gets nerfed
  • Countries without U.S. extradition treaties: make millions by aggregating fractional dollars
  • Designing for the long haul: vardecimal and your enterprise
  • Distributed backups of PII
  • Execution Plans: developers first, followed by management
  • Fast acting and untraceable poisons
  • Harvest crops faster in Farmville using production servers
  • Hidden SQL Server features: Enabling the ISAM storage engine
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you should have had a transaction
  • Licensing gems: Developer edition works the same as enterprise, just cheaper
  • Maximize your vendor kickbacks
  • Overcoming SQL Server’s recursion limits: a developers guide to fast queries
  • PASS Self-governance: A case study of an orderly approach for distilling BoD candidates (too soon?)
  • PUNT! 60 day server install. A professional’s guide to maximizing your inefficiencies
  • Routing failure notices to /dev/null for better sleep
  • Scripting failure, maximize your hourly wage by inducing weekend and holiday failures
  • Trololololo authentication
  • Using bit torrent with encrypted backups as a low cost, off-site disaster recovery model
  • Using ROT-13 encryption to meet HIPPA compliance
  • varbinary(max) everywhere, a flexible approach to storing everything in a single table


  • Backing Up With RAID 0
  • Branding Changes: SQL Azure now SQL Server Nano, Access now the Shuffle.
  • DAC Pack: Great Feature or Greatest Feature?
  • DBAs and the SAN Team: Singing Kumbaya in the Circle of Trust
  • Designing to Scale: GUID PKs, Binaries in the Database, and Other Best Practices. MS Session by Sharepoint Team
  • Forget Calendar Tables, Build a Dates Table by T. Woods
  • Getting the Right Candidates for Your Open Positions (What? Too soon?)
  • Getting Your Blog Up and Running Quickly by SQLTech2
  • MCM Braindump: Get Certified in One Hour!
  • Pin the Blame on the Last Guy: Effective Strategies for Professional Development
  • Wait Wait, Don’t Queue Me: Using Fiber Mode to Go Faster


  • Always upgrade on Friday: A guide for rollouts
  • Code-signing using your co-worker’s login
  • Communicating with Developers: Monosyllabic techniques
  • Converting your Enterprise Databases to Microsoft Access by @BrentO
  • Daisy-chaining retired laptops for Enterprise Data
  • Guaranteed Promotions: Navigating your HR databases
  • How to Create Rolling Window Deletes to Save Space
  • Lunch foods that can help you clear the office for the afternoon
  • Performance Tuning (write bad code first, then fix for fun and profit)
  • SSMS Database Designer: Best Practices
  • Storing Warz using FILESTREAM
  • Testing is for people who don’t write good code
  • Using 128-bit random number generators to create database object names
  • Using the Windows Scheduler to send e-mails during work hours
  • Using USB drives for database files.
  • Which Server memory chips will fit in your workstation?
  • Wikileaks database design strategies


  • Simplifying Security: SA is the only user you need.


  • “I will not eat that, ISAM I am:” From deBASED to MSSQL
  • Avoiding Shrinkage: How @PaulRandal packed for the Arctic:
  • Data Deliverance: “SQL like a pig!”
  • Exploring your BI side: An Introduction to SQL Server Anal Services
  • INIT to Win It: Maxmizing Backup Storage Space through Reuse
  • Is that a cluster in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?: High Availability w/SQL Server Compact Edition
  • Keeping an audience in suspense: WAITFOR demofest
  • NORMLization: High Availability, Man
  • Oh My God Becky, Look at Her Heap: Baby’s Got Backups
  • Riding at the back of the bus architecture: Why you need Integration Services


  • ABC123: The Only SA Password You’ll Ever Need
  • Fake million-dollar accounts, past-due mayors, and other tricks you can play on your accounting department.
  • Harnessing the power of your servers for mind-blowing 3-D gaming.
  • How to double your team’s productivity
  • How to double your team’s productivity by eliminating testing and documentation phases.
  • I Am Curious Oracle
  • I Left My Data in San Francisco and Other DBA Getaways
  • Locking out users for fun and profit.
  • Not Just Male & Female Anymore: New Gender Datatype in SQL
  • RAID 0 and other money-saving data storage options.
  • Roundtable: 3 DBA’s discuss how MS Access made their jobs easier.
  • The server room, the network closet, and other great make-out spots.
  • The TRS-80, 8 inch floppies, and other ways to move your organization to nosql.
  • Warm Cookies, Milk & Nap-time: How to Get Your Developers to Calm Down
  • Why make backups when 99% of them will never be used?


  • A Grow Lamp For Your Career: Is Your Interview Answer Key (presented by @MidnightDBA)
  • All Good Things To Those Who Wait: Leveraging Pagefile.sys To Increase Latency
  • Dirty Reads Done Dirt Cheap: Transactional Consistency, And How To Avoid It
  • Dodge That Deadlock: Avoiding Concurrency Issues Via Single User Mode
  • Empowering Your Users: How To Accept Unchecked T-SQL From the Cloud
  • Full Frontal Security: Designing a Write-Only Database
  • If the Optimizer Does It, So Can You: Replacing Nested Loops Iterators With WHILEs


  • Backups, we don’t need no stinkin' backups also doubles as #SQLMovieQuotes


  • 1433: The new 80
  • Best Practices: Using SELECT asterisk vs SELECT star
  • Cartesian: Queries for the Web of Things
  • Data Governess, Data Governance: They Really are the Same. Just Ask Me
  • Eventual Consistency is Good Enough for Most Data, Except for These (3 week workshop)
  • GTD: Emailing Your Backups Home with Hotmail < Real DBA story.
  • Intro to SQL Server Home & Student Edition.
  • Just in Case: Best Practices in Database Tuning.
  • Kilt Upskirting Video
  • Limits of SQL Server: Why Explains, Constraints and Shrinks Don’t Work on People.
  • LOLzcatz Your Status Reports. No, wait, that’s full of WIN
  • Sharing the Love: Best Practices for Sharing & Displaying the SA Password
  • Spaces, Nulls, Empty Strings, Underscores: They’re All the Same Thing
  • Store Data in Your Code Instead of DB: A Dev Guide to Avoiding Data Governance. < drawn from real life
  • Surrogate Keys: Never Have to Worry About Duplicate Data
  • The Code Really is More Important than the Data
  • Treat your Data Architect like a Queen.
  • Ultimate Database Design: One Table per Window, by MS Arch Consultant < Again, real life


  • SQL CLR: Kama Sutra for your database


  • A greener data center. How to save power by not running CheckDB
  • Backups are only for screw-ups
  • DBAs gone wild
  • How to confuse coworkers: Doing something different every time you do it.
  • How to get rid of the bodies
  • How to use SA to avoid the headaches of managing passwords
  • SQL Injection, it sounds dirty because its fun
  • The name value table, the only table you will ever need
  • You can’t make money by quitting. 11 acts of utter incompetence that guarantee you get that severance check.


  • Building mission critical databases on a shared SANdbox
  • For you #SSAS folks: Buckaroo Banzai Across the Many-to-Many dimensions!
  • Key to great SQL performance: Index > Data Size
  • Power and Pivot, a new way to think about self service
  • SQLCAT: SQL (squeal) like a cat
  • X-events…it’s like X-games but geekier!


  • Not just for #sqlkareoke anymore. How to use liquid courage to make prod deployments go smoothly.


  • Row based solutions to set based problems.


  • 5th normal form: solution for complex reporting
  • Enterprise Manageability: Replace SQL Server Agent with the Windows AT command.
  • How to make optimal use of the 2GB BLOB limit
  • If you have RAID, you don’t need to make backups
  • I’m a PC and SQL Server was my Idea
  • Installing SQL Server v4.21a on Windows Server 2008 R2
  • New server request denied – How to quickly implement WAITFOR in all Stored Procedures
  • Reduce Security Complexity in the Enterprise: Using sa login for applications and operations
  • Scaling SQL Server Express through Linked Servers
  • Super Performant 2 Column table design: PK plus XML
  • Transaction Log Management – Using the Windows DELETE command


  • Keep IO simple by only using 1 SATA drive
  • Reducing deployment issues by using sa for app logins


  • Execution Plans? Waste of Time. How To Tune Queries by Divining Goat Entrails #andtypos
  • Guns, Swords, Knives & Clubs. Enforcing TSQL Quality the Quick & Easy Way.
  • If One Index is Good, Hundreds Are GREAT!
  • nHibernate Databases Really Are Better


  • How to make a few extra bucks selling your client data


  • Any session by @SQLPASSPR


  • how to bonzai your pet self contentment and how to overcome it


  • Oracle: PR, it’s not so hard, why look at us!


  • Clusterf*ck: Achieving Eventual Consistency with MSSQL.
  • Skysurfing my 1U server: Tips for getting MSSQL running in the cloud.
  • Two tables is one too many! Tips on making SQL Server work like Excel.


  • BI Curious? Tap Dat SAS
  • How to Make Friends and Influence People with Fake Twitter Accounts!


  • Alienating the Rest of Your Team for ‘Principle’
  • Fostering Community by Rejecting Its Champions
  • Playing the Field at Conferences


  • How to migrate from SQL Server to Access to Excell


  • All Y’all suck! Write ANSI SQL or DIE! ~ Joe Celko
  • Data Storage in the Cloud is a Cluster
  • Green track: How to create geothermal energy using cursors
  • How to properly secure your systems – guest speaker Terry Childs
  • Kilt Day fashion show
  • Twitter-holics Anonymous: the 140 step program


  • Why database shrinking is so double rainbow.


  • Rewriting Applications With Notification Services


  • If You Need To Back Up Your Database, You’re Doing It Wrong!
  • READ UNCOMMITTED Isolation: The “Go Fast” Button For All Occasions!
  • Referential Integrity: Yet More Unnecessary Baggage In Your Database


  • Deprecated features: Use them while you still can!
  • How to make your SQL Server use as many resources as possible, as slowly as possible while still functioning
  • Improve performance by faking your data
  • Plagarism for dummies: your guide to look like you are an expert
  • Save on licensing costs by lying to Microsoft
  • Statistics are for chumps: use query hints instead
  • Stored Procedures are outdated
  • Users make life your life harder: How to prevent them from using your database


  • #Bacon Rehab Support Group
  • [Sean] DACPAC: The Full Fisted Deployment Solution
  • [Sean] Resource Governor: Keeps Your Backend Running Smooth
  • [Sean] SSIS: Your Mother Thought My Package Was Just Fine
  • [Sean] Why sysprep is the New Ass Gerbil
  • [Sean’s] How to Land that Job: Interview like a Pr0n Star!
  • A career development course by SQLTech2: Copy-Paste Your Way to Database Fame
  • Access for Beginners
  • Achieving 9% Uptime
  • Agile Development: Developing in Production
  • Anything by Sean, apparently 🙂
  • Becoming a Booth Babe, by @SQLRockstar (Ouch, ouch…kidding, Tom…)
  • BRING ME A SHRUBBERY! Monty Python in the Workplace
  • Deadlocked: Delving into the Troubled Minds of SQL Personalities
  • Dealing with DBA OCD: Stop Touching my Database, Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It
  • Default Blame Acceptor, and other #Lame DBA Jokes I’ve NEVER HEARD BEFORE
  • Headdesk Safety Seminar
  • Here, Let Me Google That For You
  • How to Make Your First Billion With a Webshow, by the MidnightDBAs #nonprofit
  • How to Read BOL, You Worthless Lump of Mud
  • I Like Big Bus and I Cannot Lie: Modern Motherboards
  • Interview Gauntlet: Making “Senior” DBAs Cry, presented by Sean McCown #ILoveHim
  • MERGE Replication, or “Baby-making 101”
  • MidnightDBA Charm School, with @MrDenny and @BuckWoody
  • RAID 5 Ultra Frisbee
  • Relational Integrity is For Schmucks: How to Prevent 90% of INSERT Errors
  • Restoring Databases Through FTP
  • Shut up, Jackass: DBA/Dev Relations
  • Simple Database Architecture Using VARCHAR(MAX)
  • SQL Profiler as a 24/7 Production Auditing Tool
  • The DBA Life: Avoiding Other Humans at All Costs
  • Weaponry Training for Inter-office RDBMS Wars
  • Women in Technology: We’re Not Taking any More S**t
  • You Look Fat in Those Pants: DBA Nutrition


  • Blogging 101: Save time by outsourcing your content development to @SQLTechToo
  • DBA Tools: Why the glaive is the single most important addition in years, by @peschkaj
  • Full Text Search in SQL Server: Ill just let the pros at Google handle it
  • HOWTO: Look like a DBA hero by saving on licensing fees : run prod on developer edition!
  • I miss SQL Mail
  • Named pipes: I’m a DBA,NOT a plumber, people!!
  • PASS transparency issue #2: Why did they decline a summit cage match b/t @peschkaj, @SQLRockstar & a circus bear?
  • Performance tuning best practices: Creating Indexes on every column: your key to success!
  • Professional development: How to be a smarta$$ on twitter by @SQLSoldier
  • Professional Development: Learn from @buckwoody and @SQLRockstar on appropriate workplace attire, or lack thereof
  • Save time and stop being annoyed with pesky access requests: how to give everyone SA
  • Security 101: allowing @SQL_Ferret to guard your datacenter (he wont chew through your cables!)
  • Who really cares about High Availability? Clustering, mirroring, log shipping and other time wasters
  • Why SQL University is a complete waste of time #sqlu


  • how NOLOCK elegantly solves your performance problems


  • Advanced Microsoft Access programming for Enterprise Applications
  • Data Consistency is for the birds. How to design your database without foreign keys.
  • Designing your databases with CHAR for maximum space utilization.
  • Ending your career in 3 easy steps. Step 1 Bush Garden, Step 2 ok, just 1 step is needed.
  • Here’s why index rebuilding is worthless.
  • How to get your session approved even when they know that you cuss like a sailor.
  • How to steal data and deflect blame to your development team.
  • How to steal your first book publishing contract. Presented by @SQLTechToo et all.
  • Indexes are for sissies.
  • Manscaping, how to look your best on #sqlkilt day. (via @nodns)
  • Research takes to much time, just use Twitter’s #sqlhelp to do all your troubleshooting.
  • Saving capitol using RAID for backups.
  • The truth about DBCC REPAIR_ALLOW_DATA_LOSS and the fact that it doesn’t delete data.
  • Upgrading from SQL Server to Oracle for improved performance and uptime.
  • Using an ORM to really f*ck up your DBAs life.
  • Using XML to turn SQL Server into a NoSQL database.


  • Applying AD&D’s Random Encounter Tables to SQL Server Troubleshooting: Regain the Use of your D20s
  • Bucket Design: One Table, One Column, One Row
  • C4 in the Server Room – Military Grade DR Strategies
  • Case Study: Pushing One Man to His Limits through Hilarious Interviewing Techniques @MidnightDBA
  • Hardcore DB Design: Lessons learned from Fight Club
  • How to Make your Custom DB more like AdventureWorks
  • I.V. Basics: A Layman’s Guide to Mainlining Caffeine
  • Ignoring Automation for Job Security
  • Maintenance Plans: Dump your DBA and set SQL Server to Autopilot (for Success)
  • SQL Server 101: It IS just a Bunch of Excel Spreadsheets
  • Tattoos are the new Post-Its: @peschkaj’s Guide to NOT Losing the SA Password
  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the PASS Summit (There and Back Again for $50 or Less) #ThatsTwoLiteraryReferences
  • They Just Don’t Understand!!!: Protecting the Data through Guerrilla Warfare
  • Undata: Planning for the Zombie Apocalypse


  • Be a DBA Hero with RAID 0
  • Is This A Mole On My Back? Etiquette, The Server Room, And You
  • Use It Or Lose It – The One Reason For Putting 999 Nonclustered Indexes On A Table


  • DAC, does anyone care?
  • Performance tuning success stories: the little Bobby Tables method.
  • Sorry, I only carry hundreds, I don’t have change: How to make you developers feel inferior.
  • SQL Injection, let you users do what they want.
  • SQL Quiz Bowl: @AndyLeonard and @Todd_McDermid vs @PaulRandal and @BrentO. Topic SSIS
  • The Sybase Files: the ugly truth about SQL Server.
  • The WHERE clause, an unnecessary evil in the SQL language.


  • The path to user satisfaction and efficiency: A database on every desktop


  • Why Steve Jones would make a great board member


  • Bacon Grease as a Cheap Alternative to Deodorant
  • Blank Password Strategies for the Senile DBA
  • Bucket of Money: Oracle Tuning Techniques for SQL Server DBAs
  • Cheetah Blood Will Make the Server – Professor Farnsworth’s Guide to Performance Tuning
  • Disaster Recovery: Effective Resume Writing and Personal Camouflage Techniques
  • Ensuring You Get Your Data: A Practical Guide to Database Level Locking
  • Full Database Scans And You
  • NoPANTS: The Tom LaRock Career Plan
  • Replacing SQL Server with CSVs
  • SAN basics: Storing your pornography collection at work
  • The New Pornography Data Type and You
  • Why Yes, I Am On Drugs. Would You Like Some? – Interviewing Tips for DBAs
  • Your Finger Does Not Go There: A Guide to Networking for the DBA


  • Clustered Index Cluster F**K
  • Generating All Your Schema From An ORM
  • NoSQL: Screw The Schema
  • Set Based Sucks: You Have CURSOR For A Reason.


  • Effectively Shrink Your Databases : Because Size DOES Matter!
  • NoSQL : Dump Your Data Architects!
  • Transparent Data Encryption: Because What Your Boss Doesn’t Know Can’t Get You Fired!
  • Using FILESTREAM: An MP3 Pirate’s Paradise!


  • Creating a new db in SSMS: leave the default settings alone asshole, u think u know more than MS? F U
  • Cursors: Rocking out in T-SQL one row at a time
  • How to avoid blocking: Using with nolock on every query JIC
  • How to install and hide SQL instances from your DBA
  • If it works on your machine with a few rows of test data, it’s good to go
  • Job Security: How to make simple things complex & not tell anyone so nobody else knows what the hells going on
  • Using the kill command at the office, it’s not just for connections anymore


  • Developer workshop: Don’t be normalized like everyone else
  • How to correctly install and configure Oracle on Windows


  • Developing mission critical applications using Access Presented by @BrentO
  • How design your database with one table using sparse columns and filtered indexes
  • How to index every column in your table the easy way
  • Prove your the best at SQL by writing everything with one query


  • It runs itself: how your billion dollar a year company can save money by not hiring any DBAs


  • Check Out My Package: SSIS Version Control
  • Cooking #Bacon with an Over Clocked CPU and Other Server Room Survival Tricks
  • Data Quality is Like a Box of Condoms: You Never Know What You are Gonna Get
  • Down-Sizing Databases with Microsoft Access
  • Filling in Requirement Gaps With NULL
  • Heaps of Fun: How to Avoid Clustered Indexes
  • How to spell DBA’s or is that DBAs
  • Professional Development: How to Point the Finger
  • Quick and Easy Data Quality: Just Truncate It
  • Simple Techniques to Shrink Databases with Triggers
  • Simplifying Security using SA
  • SQLPASS Keynote: Real DBA’s Don’t Wear Pants…Presented by none other than @buckwoody
  • Thumb Drives: The Hot-Swappable Solid State Solution for Data Storage


  • SA Passwords: who can remember them all, just leave the blank nobody uses them anyway!


  • Cursors to increase your servers performance.


  • Database time bombs: how to get the last laugh if leaving your job involuntarily
  • DBCC ILOVESHEEP and other super-secret undocumented commands
  • Defending the decision not to upgrade from SQL 7.0
  • DR with snapshots
  • Ignoring the first normal form: it’s just easier that way!
  • Migrating to Access
  • Saving big money with Developer Edition
  • Security CAN be entertaining – denying rights via rollback triggers
  • sp_«TableName» and other counter-intuitive naming conventions


  • Auto-close and other Ways to Get Yourself Punched in the Neck
  • Automation: Extending Coffee/Smoke/Poop Breaks One Script at a Time
  • Being a DBA is Easy, Being Stupid is Hard: CIO Survival Guide
  • Business Intelligence: Every Crackhouse Needs It #sqlpass
  • Certifications: How to Piss Away Cash When You Don’t Know Squat Yet
  • Clusters: Not just for STD’s Anymore!
  • DACPAC: Seriuosly WTF is This St?
  • Data Warehousing for Pimps: Getting the most ROI from yo Ladiez
  • Downtime: Not Always a Bad Thing – sponsored by Playboy
  • Foxpro: Seriously Guys, Quit Laughing At Us
  • Greed is Good, Auditing is Awful – Keynote by Gordon Gekko
  • I Hate You, You Hate Me Let’s Go Build a SQL DB
  • Idiocy: How to End Up as a Topic On @midnightDBA Webcast
  • Jello Wrestling Social session
  • Mirroring: When you’re too stupid to setup the Log Shipping
  • NHibernate: Because Fk the DBA’s, THATS WHY!
  • Normalization: One Table is Good Enough
  • Policy-Based Management: Have Technology Tell Developers F**K You FOR You
  • Punching Yourself in the Junk: Auditing at its finest
  • Sobriety: Overrated Deployment Techniques
  • SQL Tuning Experts: Learning What a Friggin Bookmark Lookup Is
  • SSAS holes: Security Techniques #unfortunatechoiceofwords
  • Why Use SANS When External Hard Drives are Cheaper?


  • Clusters? Just Click-Next. .
  • Forcing set evaluation order with excessive Parentheses.
  • Fragmentation, Shmagmentation.
  • How to Publicly bash Microsoft and the SQL Development team.
  • Keeping fractional pennies and other wealth-generating tips.
  • Letting Go. Object Developers CAN write T-SQL (just not very well) .
  • Public acclaim through plagiarism.
  • Table Valued Functions for Application Scalability and Performance.
  • XML, Just like Comma-Separated without that messy structure.


  • Community engagement the @sqlpasspr way!
  • Indexes: Overrated and Overused!
  • The Walmart DBA: Random Rollbacks For Fun And Profit!
  • Who Needs Backups When You’ve Got RAID!


  • Clustered Indexes, if you’re adding 1 column, add them all
  • Cursors: Why 6 levels deep should only be the beginning.
  • key-value tables, is there nothing they can’t do?
  • SSIS troubling you, DTS wrappers are your friend


  • TempDB – temporary database, saving space – drop it!
  • Transaction log size problems, delete it!


  • Backup Plan is essential when the Execution Plan fails
  • Database Tuning – the Russian roulette method
  • everything done in SQL SHOULD be done in excel
  • How storing data in Notepad can Outperform SQL Server
  • How to integrate your MP3s into your Payments Table
  • How to put your audience to sleep
  • It’s ok to turn off the servers when you go on vacation
  • My Heaps My Heaps My lovely DB Heaps –
  • Top 10 ways to nap on the job
  • Why DB backups are optional
  • Why you should be truncating your sales tables regularly


  • Blank SA Passwords and Other Security Shortcuts
  • Database Engine Tuning Advisor: Replacing Your DBA
  • Developers, Lye, and a Shovel: The Best Places To Bury Bodies
  • Heap, Heap, Hooray! Why Indexes Are Bad
  • How mongoDB Saves You Time and Money
  • Locks, Blocks, and Two Smokin’ Redheads
  • MS Access
  • Scalar Functions, Views, and Linked Servers: Scaling Techniques For Idiots
  • The CASTing Couch and Other DBA Job Hunting Techniques
  • The Expandables: How To Use Scalar Functions For All Your Conversions
  • Why Guids Taste So Good


  • Building Responsible Maintenance Plans with the Shrink Database Task
  • Career Management: How to Resign the Day Before a Major Upgrade.
  • SQL Server Load Balancing using Linked Servers
  • Why SELECT DISTINCT should be used in Every Query


  • Backingup your TEMPDB; Why it is SO important (This is my favorite interview question!)
  • MGT Session: Save money by sending the DBA job offshore to some who can’t communicate for $5 per hour


  • #Bacon : It’s just for breakfast
  • Auto-shrink: How can it be wrong when it feels so right?
  • Boosting Performance: Sponsored by Pfizer
  • Failover clustering explained through interpretive dance
  • How to get your boss to pay for training so you can get a better job
  • How to Make Friends and Influence Others on the NomCom
  • Indian Leg Wrestling and other ways to engage your dev team
  • Obedience Training Your Developers
  • Power Pivot: Great!! Users can really f@#$ up your server now!!
  • SQL Server: Me Love You Long Time
  • The DBA & The Developer: a look at taboo relationships
  • Wet #SQLKilt Contest


  • Backup Best Practices: Learning Proper Use of the “SELECT * INTO MyTable_backup FROM MyTable” Method
  • Learning To Trust Your Users: Granting Sysadmin to Everyone
  • Maximizing Query Performance: Avoiding Set-Based Operations and Learning To Use Cursors
  • The Future of All Business Data Applications: SA + ODBC + Access + Datasheet View
  • Tips and Tricks with XP_CMDSHELL


  • How to SHRINKDB’s and tear off Angel’s wings at the same time
  • Max Performance, have an Index for every column in every table
  • Why you should just use the SA account


  • Sexually Harassing Your Way Through the SQL Community


  • Let Google manage your PCI data, the easy way to credit card compliant data


  • Buying Bigger Hardware: The Easy Solution to Database Design
  • Coding With One Hand: Effective Multitasking
  • Firewall Free: Connecting Your Servers to the Internet
  • Making Friends and Influencing Decisions: Using Microsoft Word To Generate “Reports”
  • One Tuple To Rule Them All: XML is the new varchar()
  • The Nutcracker DBA: Holding Your Company’s Data in Your Hands
  • UNION ALL and Other T-SQL Commands That Sound “Dirty”
  • Using SharePoint for All Your Data Management Needs


  • Generating C# Code With SSIS


  • Building Enterprise-Scale Apps Using Entity Attribute Value Pairs
  • Scalar UDFs for Improved SQL Server Performance
  • Using USB Drives to Maximize Transaction Log Throughput


  • “pubs” and “model” databases are not what they seem, and other SQL Server disappointments.
  • Bible Study for the DBA: Proverbs 1:25-28, and other useful passages.
  • FKRelate – Counselling those in broken FK Relationships. Sponsors of .
  • Storage Management – maximise lifespan of storage by removing .BAK & .TRN files, and other tips.


  • “I Was In the Pool!!” (File) Shrinkage for the DBA
  • Because It’s There: A Livemeeting Webcast from the couch in the men’s room at Bush Garden
  • Fun with VARCHAR(1)
  • High-performance Access replication (by @brento )
  • Microsoft Access: It’s SQL Server, now with portability!
  • Moving Down in your Career: How to go from DBA to the graveyard shift helpdesk in 90 days.


  • Keeping your sprocs short using functions in the WHERE clause
  • Scheduling your Maintenance Jobs via Task manager on mult PC’s to spread the load


  • Shrink, baby, shrink. Managing database size proactively


  • Break the mirror, double your disk space


  • HADR: Set it and Forget It
  • Masters of the Universe – The Omnipotent DBA is Always Right
  • Truncating and Shrinking your TempDB – on a Schedule!


  • Database Change Control, how to hide the bodies after a dev doesn’t follow the rules.


  • Raid 6, #Bills 0.